February 14 is right around the corner. For those with a significant other, the day is known as Valentine’s Day. For the rest of us, it often feels more like “Singles Awareness Day” (or S.A.D.) Being single in our culture is an interesting and challenging experience. For many singles, finding a partner for life has become the very definition of happiness in life and therefore the driving purpose of living. In order to prepare for a future marriage that reflects what the Bible prescribes marriage to be in Ephesians 5, I propose the following redefinitions.
First, we need to redefine our attitudes as single adults. Our world has come up with so many ways to find a date: from pick-up lines to online dating to a friendly and well-intentioned "set-up," we are obsessed with dating and we have elevated it to a place that causes an unhealthy amount of anxiety, pressure, and distraction. We need to reflect the Christ-like attitude of contentment and hopefulness in God's sovereignty in all things, including our future spouse. As regenerate beings called to be transformed by the grace of God, we should heed the words of Psalm 37 and focus more on God's grace than our problems that need solving. The Psalm says “delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Too often we try to turn this upside down, delighting ourselves in our own desires and hoping for the Lord's blessing. Even if our desires are totally pure and right, we have no way of dictating or predicting God's timing or purposes.
Second, we need to redefine what love means to us. We need to redefine love as selfless rather than self-centered. We need a radical transformation in our attitudes toward love. Rather than seeking after what we think we need or want to be happy, we should view love as the act of seeking after how to best serve another. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 says, “For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” In his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris writes, “The Bible teaches us that if we truly trust in Jesus Christ, we die to our old way of living. And we can no longer live for ourselves—we now live for God and for the good of others. Because of that, relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about ‘having a good time’ or ‘learning what I want in a relationship.’ They’re not to be about getting, but giving. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what’s in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there’s nothing in it for us. To want that person’s purity and holiness because it pleases God.”
Finally, we need to redefine how we view the marriage relationship itself. Ephesians 5:22-33 is a passage about Christ's love for the Church that uses God's institution of marriage as a beautiful illustration. We need to radically change our understanding of marriage to realize that God did not ordain the institution of marriage primarily for our pleasure or happiness, but for our sanctification and His glory in proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Marriage is a wonderful thing that brings great joy, but also equips both husband and wife to more faithfully live and proclaim the gospel. Gary and Betsy Ricucci, writers of Love That Lasts, answer the question “What is marriage?” Part of that answer deals with Ephesians 5: “One of the most beautiful analogies God uses to define His relationship with us is that of a marriage. To grasp this is both inspirational and sobering. People should be able to look at our marriages and say. ‘So that’s what the church is like? That’s what it means to have a relationship with Jesus?’ God intends to cultivate the same abundant, unconditional love between a husband and wife as He Himself has for us. Marriage is a profound and marvelous mystery established by God for His glory.”
I encourage single adults in the church to adopt these redefinitions and begin practicing Christ-like patience, hopefulness, love, and humility in order to prepare themselves for an Ephesians 5 marriage.
To those married people in the church, I encourage you to practice demonstrating what a true Ephesians 5 marriage looks like, exhibiting selflessness, sacrifice, devotion, and love. You should encourage singles to “make the best use of time” (Eph. 5:16) and live to serve Christ during the unique season of singleness rather than being driven to find a spouse. Singleness is not a problem that needs fixing—it is a blessing from God for an appointed time with a specific purpose. It is an opportunity to serve Him in a unique way: preparing, praying, and practicing for a future life in marriage that will represent the gospel of Jesus Christ and His great love for us, and bring honor and glory to Him alone.
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