If you have ever been a part of any performance, play, or concert, you know about the hours of preparation that take place before the presentation is made to an audience. That’s because most artistically-inclined people tend to be perfectionists. The adage “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right” grows into “if we’re going to do it, we’re going to do it perfectly.” I had a choir director like that once. He was an incredible musician. He was taught by the most talented choral conductors in the world. He had the most incredible ear I have encountered: he could hear the slightest imperfection in the sound of the choir, identify it, and fix it. Being in his rehearsal was an incredible learning process. But, I noticed something when I stood in my first performance with that choir: we were all terrified because there was a sense that we really didn’t know our music! When it came time to put it the big picture together, we were almost lost! How could such a talented and skilled conductor lead us to a place where we were so uncertain about what we were performing? How could all the singers feel like we really hadn’t made any progress? We had become paralyzed by perfectionism. We had become so caught up in fixing all of the tiny details and making sure that every little nuance was exactly right that in the big picture we really hadn’t come all that far.
Many young people are plagued by this kind of perfectionism when it comes to the possibility of marriage. So many singles live in constant discontentment because they are seeking for “the one,” the mystical “soul mate.” It seems like everyone in my generation has “the list,” a set of specific expectations that we prop up as our indicator of how to know when God has led us to that special person. (Biblically speaking, God doesn’t offer us those kinds of indicators, much less the privilege of defining them for ourselves!) We have created this unrealistic—but worse, unbiblical—view of marriage that marriage itself or something it will offer is the key to our fulfillment and happiness in life. Having created such an idol, we then have to place perfectionistic expectations on our future spouse, our relationships, and our decision-making. (Ironically, the average age for both men and women to get married is higher than it has ever been. All of this has only led us to more and more anxiety, stress, and worry, and ultimately further away from the very thing we think we are working so hard for!) Starting from this kind of ideal, should we really be surprised at the epidemic of divorce we are dealing with as a society? Instead of stressing the importance of choosing a spouse wisely, but then making a lifetime commitment to that person and learning how to honor God in that relationship, we have elevated to an unbiblical extreme this mystical idea that God will lead us to the right person, at the right time, in the right way, and we will live happily-ever-after. Now, there are even cases in which Christians will justify divorce on the grounds of “misunderstanding God’s will.” We have become unfulfilled because the first thing we are striving for is fulfillment, and we have twisted and even ignored Scripture trying to attain it. We think that we have tried so hard, when really we’ve gone nowhere. We’ve put so much into achieving perfection that we’ve really created more of a problem!
One of the reasons we even have this very idea of “seeking God’s perfect will for our lives” in contemporary Christianity (and it really isn’t even a biblical idea) is because we are searching for perfect fulfillment from any number of “things” in our lives. Pastor and author Kevin DeYoung writes, “If you think that God has promised this world will a five-star hotel, you will be miserable as you live through the normal struggles of life. But if you remember that God promised we would be pilgrims and this world may feel more like a desert or even a prison, you might find your life surprisingly happy. Faith in Jesus does not guarantee that everything will go our way.” We can’t wait for the perfect circumstances, or the perfect outcome, to act and get on with living our lives for His glory. God has called us to “run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1), not the race we would like to have before us, or the race that is set before someone else. Being obedient does not mean waiting until everything is just right, or until the circumstances are exactly what we think they should be. How arrogant! Obedience is accepting in faith the race that God has placed before you, because nothing is before you that is outside his will or apart from his permission. If you believe in the God (of the Bible) whose perfect will cannot be missed, cannot be changed, cannot be escaped, and cannot be improved, then making decisions—doing something—is trusting him. Don’t be paralyzed by perfectionism. Trust God, devote yourself to Scripture, and live your life!
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